A Different Kind of Love

In my last post, I talked about how Jesus is accessible to everyone, although not everyone hears Him equally. This is sort of related to that subject matter.

As anyone who's even acquainted with Christian theology can tell you, God's love is eternal, and always there, even if you can't feel it. And often times, when you're at your lowest points, or even when you're just scared or sad, God's love is what you need, and you can't feel it. It kind of really sucks, right?

So I have nightmares every night. Sometimes I wake up screaming. Two nights ago this happened multiple times, and so, naturally, last night I was scared to go to sleep. I could hear God telling me that He was there, but I couldn't feel it. And there's this thing I sometimes do, when I need the comfort only He can give. I imagine Jesus standing somewhere, not really right in front of me but sort of in my head, and imagine myself hugging him. And I know that sounds ridiculous (although imagining things is a relaxation technique called Guided Meditation, and since God's love is real it shouldn't sound weird), and that's why I think it's something that so hard to get to. Human stuff gets in the way. You think it's stupid. You think you can't just imagine comfort. You think if you're imagining it, it can't possibly be something real. You think that it would be strange if God used the imagining capabilities he gave you to be capable of feeling him there. This is what happens:

It starts with a prayer. "God, be near me. Let me feel Your love." But that human stuff gets in the way. Fears pop up, temptations to think about earthly comforts present themselves as easier alternatives. And although these earthly comforts aren't evil, they're not enough. So I fight it. I still feel like I'm in a cage that won't let Him reach me. Finally, I tell him, "Do what you can with what I can give." And I imagine him floating above me, and his hand reaches out to stroke my head. I can't feel it physically, but what I do feel for real is his love. His love that is so great and strong and eternal. And suddenly I'm crying, because his love is so wonderful, so undeserved, and I realize that he doesn't just deserve my love in return. His love, which I know is so much greater than any love, deserves everything I am, everything I have. I would do anything for that love, and I already have it. He doesn't promise no nightmares, but that he'll be there. That his love remains, steadfast, stronger than anything in this world. How can I just love God? The natural reaction to his love is so, so much more than that.

I don't deserve such great love, but even if I would deny it, it is mine, and it's always there. And it's yours too, you know. Jesus is there, waiting for you to let him love you. You just have to manage to break free of the things on your mind blocking you from him. Picture him there with you. You will find yourself given more love than you could ever comprehend. It really is like meditation, except instead of clearing your mind, you're opening it to accept the love and peace Jesus wants to give you.

(by the way, I wrote most of this at like 2:00 AM, so please forgive the writing)